Help me! I'm stuck in the Urban Outfitters changeroom!

It's not that I have big legs, but I don't have twigs.
Usually, my legs are only a problem when I'm trying on knee-high boots. They're often made for girls who:
a) Weigh 102 pounds;
b) Have no muscle in their calves;
c) Have an hour to try and squish/push/pull your calf fat/muscle into your boots.

I have muscular calves. Taking up running a few years ago didn't help the situation much, but recently I learned a new lesson in why sometimes (not very often, but sometimes) it can suck to be fit.

I loved the years from around 1999 to 2005 because pants and jeans all had a flare at the bottom. I've watched enough of What Not To Wear to know that a longer pant, with a little flare elongates the legs and for someone who's 5'4" like me, that's nice. Now though? For the past couple of years, we've had skinny jeans – and I'm not sure why. Very few people look good in skinny jeans. Even skinny girls don't look good in skinny jeans. Skinny jeans are like sausage casings; they squish everything into a wrapper and then your body tries to escape the torture by squishing over top of the waistband, out the butt and at the inner thighs.

But today, for some reason, I thought I'd try them again. I've lost eight pounds in the last month and evidently, when I lost the fat, I lost my brain and became delusional. I was in Urban Outfitters - the cool store for all the Queen's University girls. It's the place you want to go if you want to have that I-look-like-everyone- else-but-I'm-so-original - swanky meets Salvation Army thrift store.

(I was exchanging a gift. I had to go in.)

I saw a pair of skinny jeans that were on sale from $100 for $39 so I thought I'd try them on. The waist was 30 - my size. And, so, in the changeroom I went. (Do you know that at Urban Outfitters they ask you your name and then write it on a chalkboard so they know who's in what room? Next time, if there is a next time, I'm going to call myself Jonas Brother No. 1 or Mary-Kate and Ashley, or Miley or She-Ra or something.)

I went into the changeroom and pulled off my jeans and slipped my first leg into the skinny jeans. And then the second. And then I pulled them up to my knees. It was here that I realized even if I took one thigh and sliced it into two, half a thigh wasn't going to fit into these pants, so there was no way a whole thigh was going in.

And there was no way my calves were coming out.

I was stuck.

It was like these damn pants had congealed to my legs. What was I going to do? Waddle out of the changeroom with pants around my knees and ask them to cut them off? I could always pull my own jeans over top and just pay for the skinny jeans. (And then waddle out of the store.)

How was it I could get them on, but not off?

I sat on the bench and tried to roll them down. Stuck.
I tried to yank them down. Stuck.
I tried to smooth them down. Stuck.

Finally, I held both ends of the pants and tugged on the left side of one leg, then the right, then the left, then the right. And, I'm telling you it's possible: Instead of thinking about sucking in my stomach, I thought about sucking in my calves. And bit by bit, the jeans started to move.

This is why girls like to buy shoes.

Skinny bitch of a day.

There might be more(or not)

HOT NEWS: Queen's Cancels Homecoming (But adds a spring fling)

Hot news from Crosbiemania: Queen's University is cancelling its Homecoming... See letter (I received this morning because I'm a Queen's grad) from Queen's principal Tom Williams:

Dear Alumni,

I am writing to tell you about a difficult decision that I have made with respect to the Fall Homecoming.

As many of you know, Homecoming weekend for the past 4 years has been the occasion of a large and growing unsanctioned student gathering on Aberdeen Street – a small street located off campus in the student village. Numbers associated with this event have ranged from 5,000 to 10,000. This year’s event was the largest yet and resulted in an unprecedented number of police charges, arrests, violent incidents and injuries.

Since 2005, the University community, including faculty, staff, students and alumni, have worked in collaboration with City of Kingston officials and law enforcement agencies in an effort to contain this volatile situation. Despite our best efforts, the situation has worsened. The unsanctioned gathering has come to be seen by many as a “tradition” whose timing is associated with Queen’s Homecoming.

Concerns for safety have been mounting steadily and are now at a critical point. After broad consultation with faculty, staff, students, alumni, parents and groups who comprise the Queen’s family, the Town/Gown Aberdeen working group, the Police, the hospitals, Fire and Rescue and legal experts, there is broad agreement that a new course of action is required.

I have therefore reached a very difficult decision: the University will not be hosting its Fall Homecoming Weekend for a minimum period of 2 years, beginning with the Homecoming of Fall 2009.

This decision has not easily been reached. I have seen first-hand the joy that alumni feel in returning to campus in the fall and I have joined in the excitement of the half-time parade at Richardson Stadium. I will feel the loss of these experiences very personally and in an effort to continue this time-honored and valued tradition the University will hold a homecoming-styled Spring Reunion Weekend in May (May 22 -24) 2009, that will include class reunions, MiniU and the Tricolour Guard dinner.

Queen’s alumni are an invaluable source of strength for this University. Your loyalty is what sets us apart from many others. I am calling on you now to make this sacrifice, because I am persuaded that something very precious and fragile is at risk: our hard-won reputation as a University that defines standards of excellence that respects the neighbourhood in which we live, and that cares about each member of our learning community.

I welcome your input on how to make the spring event the best possible occasion for alumni.

I can be reached by email at principal@queensu.ca or by regular mail.

Tom Williams
Principal and Vice-Chancellor

There might be more(or not)