Fishnets, knee-high boots and charity

A couple of days ago, when I was supposed to be working, I was actually out on a lunch date. The night before, my toddler son had asked me to draw pictures of him and his mommy and daddy. "What's dat?" he asked, pointing to a picture I'd drawn of myself, which, unfortunately for me, resembled an illustration of Star Trek's Spock. (I was a straight-A student in high school, who struggled to get 60s and 70s in art.)
"That's a skirt," I said.
"Skirt?" he asked.
"Yes, skirt," I replied.
"Mommy, you don't wear skirts! You wear hockey skates."
It was one of those smack-me-upside-the-head moments, where I realized that, in fact, I had worn skates more than skirts in the past month:
Skates: 3.
Skirts: 0.
So, with my fishnet stockings, mini black skirt and knee-high boots, I set off to work, ready to take my sweetie out for lunch and play hooky for a few hours.
We met up for lunch at Confederation Place Hotel, where we greeted by the delicious smell of hearty stuffing, loaded with herbs; moist, glistening turkey; and a view of Kingston's snow-sprinkled harbour that's fit for a snowglobe.
I was already seated when my husband came up behind me, put his hand on my shoulder to gently let me know he was there, and then bent down and kissed me, stealing some of my sparkly pink lipstick.
Ah, it was just the two of us …
… and more than 100 Kingstonians who also wanted to give underprivileged local teenagers a Christmas.
Operation Teen Christmas 2008 was a lunch with a silent and live auction to raise money so that teenagers can have a gift under the tree on Dec. 25. Teenagers are often overlooked when it comes to clothing and toy drives. Last year, the Salvation Army decided to do something about it and started this lunch. Tickets were $25. Money was also raised through the auctions. Diners had the opportunity to bid on 10, eight-person turkey dinners that would be delivered to needy families on Christmas Eve.
Fellow diners who attended last year said the gathering was much larger this year. And next year, like any three-year-old, it could be an event that's wonderfully out-of-control, because I tell you, it's only a matter of time before others learn about this event and it sells out.
Sure, you have to sneak out of work for a few hours, but how can anything be bad that feels sooo good?
After a delicious lunch, two cups of coffee, and a few bites of mini carrot cakes and Nanaimo bars – each table had their own platter of desserts with brownies and chocolate-covered strawberries – it was time for my date with my husband to come to an end.
Life is busy, especially this time of year, and everyone I know craves more time with their significant other. Next year, think about turning Operation Teen Christmas into your own lunch-time sneak-away.
It's better to give than to receive, but this event is a win-win situation: By buying a $25 lunch, you're raising money for the Salvation Army to give a teenager a gift so that she can still believe in Christmas magic and you get to go on a week-day date. And be a little naughty. Or nice.
Operation Teen Christmas 2009? I'd like to reserve two tickets, please.
Whoever said fishnet stockings and charity don't mix?

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Sarah Crosbie sucks, source says

Sometimes, all you can do is laugh, especially when times are trying: Economies are tanking, people are being laid off, and your shovel is calling you from the garage, taunting you that soon, it will be time to hit the driveway.

Late one night, a couple of weeks ago, a man was unloading his goalie equipment out of his car when another man approached him in the parking lot of a local hockey rink.

Now, this goalie does not usually play for this team. He was filling in for an acquaintance who was injured.

As the goalie unloaded his equipment, the other man started talking about how he knows the goalie works at The Whig-Standard and he had some thoughts to share about the paper's magazine, The Ticket.

The man told the goalie about how he'd heard that a former Ticket editor had left Kingston and gone on to a big paper in Toronto.

The man really missed the former editor, he said.

Really, really missed her. Really, really, really missed her. He told the goalie that he understood that the editor he liked so much had been filling in for the current editor (that would be me) while she was on maternity leave and The Whig was forced to give the current editor (me, again) her job back once she returned after a one-year maternity leave. (Isn't that nuts that women are allowed to have babies and return to their jobs?)

He said the fact that the paper had lost the former editor and had to welcome back the current editor was a stain on The Whig since the former editor was a genius, who was funny and smart and articulate and much better than the new editor (still me).

The goalie asked the man whether he knew the former editor, since it was odd to hear a reader heap such praise on an editor, especially one who'd left the paper. Was she his sister? His cousin? His friend?

No, no, no, the man said. He just loved her work.

The goalie happily chatted with this man and listened to him - like any good journalist would do. You never know where you're going to hear a good story.

The goalie wondered what he should tell this unhappy reader ... and decided to think about it.

(This tale reminds me of a great riddle my father told me once when I was a girl: "A boy is riding in a car with his father when they get in a car crash. The father dies. The boy is rushed to hospital. When he arrives at the ER, the surgeon refuses to do the surgery. 'I can not operate on this child. He's my son.' How can this be?" Now, back in the 1980s, in the days when no one could have foreseen a black man and a woman being two of the top choices to run the White House, it wasn't easy to come up with an answer.)

"The surgeon is a ghost who came back from the dead!" I shouted.

"No! The boy was a twin separated at birth and the surgeon is looking at the wrong twin!"

The answer, of course, is that the surgeon is the boy's mother. But, back in the 1980s, my little brain heard "surgeon" and I thought "man."

Now, in 2008, there's still an interesting gender stereotype that remains. People assume that women take their husbands' last names when they get married. But some do not. Like me.

As the goalie walked into the rink with the man, he wondered what he should say to him.

"Have a good game," the goalie said as they hit the change room.

"Wait until I tell my wife this one," he thought to himself.

(Have I ever mentioned that my husband is a goalie?)

And here is the rest of it.

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My $2 donation to charity

The saddest commercial I have ever seen is from my childhood. Children of the '80s and dog lovers will remember a spot where two male voices are coming from inside a house. One voice says, "Where's that puppy?" and another male voice says, "A puppy? He's not a puppy anymore. He stays outside now." Then, the commercial moves to a dog looking hopeful in his doghouse, but you can tell he's freezing in the wicked winter weather. And then a tear runs down his little doggy face. I felt like, at any moment, the homeowner was going to come out and rescue him - but he never did. Every single time I watched it, I thought it was going to end differently.

It made me cry every time I saw it. I don't even know what it was advertising - the humane society? Dog food? Windows? But it got me, because when I was little, I loved animals.

It was also a dog that got me to give my first charitable donation. Before there were Loonies and Toonies, we had $1 and $2 bills. When I was little, I saved up my allowance and Tooth Fairy money. I also got to roll my mom's pennies and sometimes keep a $1. One night, a telethon was on for the Toronto Humane Society. I remember seeing dogs alone in their cages, waiting for someone to love them, and dogs running down the road alone, searching for their owners who'd ditched them. (Remember The Littlest Hobo? That theme song can still make me cry, too.)

I told my mom I wanted to pledge my savings to the humane society so I could save a dog. I ran to my room and got my brown leather wallet out of my end table and pulled out 12 $1 bills. It was my life savings. I remember I called the humane society and told them they could have my $12.

Later, we got our pledge form mailed to us - and there was a horrible mistake. They'd registered me for a $2 donation, $10 short of what I really wanted to give.

I cried. Again. Two dollars seemed too little.

I don't know where that person went for many years. My teen years and my 20s were all about me. Yes, for years, as an elementary and high school student, I brought in my obligatory bags of food for the local food bank and I carried the Unicef box around my neck at Halloween, but I definitely lost that sense of devastation and charity that visions of suffering puppies once aroused in me. For a decade, I basically gave nothing and did nothing for other people. I can't take those years back, but I'm trying to make up for them now.

Every day, we are told times are not good and the world is in a recession. This week, the Kingston area lost hundreds of jobs. Charities are worried. The people who used to give are giving less and, in some cases, the givers may need to become the users.

Yesterday morning, the Kingston Frontenac Lennox and Addington United Way announced that it raised $2,848,000 for numerous local groups, including women's shelter Interval House, Canadian National Institute for the Blind, Kingston Youth Shelter and Kingston Literacy. I went to the celebration breakfast that recognizes the achievements of local giving people.

This area raised $48,000 more than the goal. It's good, but it won't be enough because it's never enough.

I scoured YouTube looking for the abandoned dog commercial. If I ever find it, I'll share it with you because I promise you, one look at the pup and you'll drain your bank account to help the world's most vulnerable creatures.

Don't even get me started on the 1980s McDonald's commercial where a group of children go skating with Ronald McDonald - but then one little boy gets left behind ...

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Thank you mama for the concert Tee

This is for the young rockers: Your Hedley is my Debbie Gibson and I know just how you feel. Tomorrow is your first concert. You're going with your three best friends (BFF -until Jacob Hoggard smiles at only one of you!) and you've arranged for a parent to drop you off at the K-Rock Centre and a parent to pick you up -and right away since it's a school night. "No dilly-dallying," your parents have instructed. Or, you're too young to go unaccompanied, so God bless 'em, your parents are going with you.

When I tell people about my first concert experience, I always say it was going to see The Tragically Hip when they played Ontario Place in Toronto to promote their 1991 album Road Apples. But that wasn't really my first concert experience; it was my second. (It's just so much cooler than my first show.)

My first concert experience was when I went to Canada's Wonderland to see Debbie Gibson in the summer of 1988. Her album Out of the Blue, released in 1987, was a smash. She and Tiffany were going head-to-head on all the charts and like all the great battles of my young life in the '80s - Orser versus Boitano, Jem and the Holograms versus The Misfits, and Bryan Adams versus Corey Hart - you were loyal to only one, and I was on Debbie's team.

I was 12 at the time of the 1988 Out Of the Blue tour, so I went to my first concert with my mom and dad and eight-year-old brother.

The show was the first time I encountered the sit-versus-stand concert crowd. Everyone in front of us was standing up, screaming and jumping and singing. But the people behind us wanted to sit, so they kept tapping my mom on the shoulder asking our family to sit down. My mother politely told them I couldn't see Debbie if I sat down, so I'd have to stand since everyone else was standing. (My mother can also vividly recount this night, she had such a good time).

Debbie did all her hits - Only In My Dreams, Out Of the Blue, Foolish Games and Shake Your Love - and I sang along to every one.

At one point, even my mom had a good time. The standers became sitters when some of the people in the row in front of us abandoned their seats for a few songs.

Back in my day, I would have come home to my diary and written about my great night at my first show. You'll come home, update your Facebook page, e-mail your friends the picture you got with Jacob, and then maybe blog about it. The technology is different, but the concert experience is still very much the same. Your heart is racing (Jacob is so cool); your ears are buzzing (the concert is so loud); and your wallet is aching (buy the T-shirt, not the commemorative program. You'll get more use out of it).

And who do you have to thank for all of this? Most of you need to give your parents a big hug and kiss and then go vacuum the house for them, because they've had a role in this night out. They paid for the tickets, or helped you order them on their credit card, or are picking up you and your friends to take you to the arena or are going to the concert with you.

You do need to tuck it in the back of your mind that they made Hedley happen for you because, 19 years from now, (hypothetically speaking, of course), you'll remember that when you went to that Debbie Gibson (er, Hedley) concert, that row in front of you did abandon their seats for a few songs - only to return with concert T-shirts, which they proceeded to whip over their heads like helicopter blades.

Which repeatedly hit your mother in the face.

Over and over and over again.
And here is the rest of it.

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How to Get a Job, By Sara(h) Cosby

This week, I was invited to return to Queen's University, my alma mater, and speak to arts and science undergrads about finding a career (or not) once they graduate.

Maybe it was the free pizza and pop or maybe the students were really interested to learn about what they can do with an arts degree, but they packed a classroom - and on the night of the American election no less.

(Let me just say right now that if Sarah Palin had won the election with John McCain, I was seriously contemplating switching my given name for my middle one.)

Here are some of the issues we covered and the advice I gave:

1. What if I have no idea what I want to do after I graduate:Well, what if I don't really know what I want to do when I'm 31? Most people have the wrong idea that everyone knows what they want to do "when they grow up." No, they don't. Sure, some little girls start playing doctor with the little boys next door at the age of three and now they're surgeons, but many of us aren't sure what we want to do for the rest of our lives. It's true that since I was a little girl, I wanted to work at a newspaper, but that doesn't mean I don't also have dreams about working on a TV show, running a small B&B with my hubby in England, or hosting a radio show. I say after you graduate, if you can afford it, take a year and dabble. Teach English in China. Serve in a fancy restaurant. Volunteer in Mexico, building houses for people who are less fortunate. Train for a marathon. You've been in school since kindergarten. Take 12 months for yourself.

2. But if I take a year off, all my friends will have a career and I won't!: Oh, so what. I can tell you from experience, that one or two years aren't going to make or break you. In my group of friends, we all chose different post-university paths. Some of us went straight into the workforce, some of us went to college, some of us took multiple internships, but guess what? In the long run, it didn't matter. It's not a race. Your career (and, more importantly, your life) is about you and your pace.

3. Interview tips? The best advice I ever read is that the second you wake up on the day of your interview, the interview starts. Think about the fact you could cut off your potential boss on the highway driving to the interview, or she could see you putting your hand under your shirt and rubbing it on your armpit so you can smell it to make sure you don't have B. O. You never know who's watching you. Also spend some time in the city in which you're applying for the job. That says you want to learn more about your future home. And in the interview you can say: "As soon as I leave here, I'm actually going to zip over to Sam's Coffee Bar. They have the best lattes. I've only been here for a weekend, and I'm addicted." Also, Google your future employers and learn everything you can about them.

4. Resume tips? I don't ever want you to send me your resume if you're going to tell me you're hardworking. What else are you going to be? A lazy sloth? Tell me who you really are on your resume. If you are applying to be a newspaper entertainment writer, you should tell me you've seen 74 movies at the Screening Room, you have six magazine subscriptions and you're taking a French cooking class. That says more about who you are than telling me you're hardworking, motivated and a fast learner.

5. Final thoughts?Please, I beg of you, learn how to spell your potential employer's name: I've been Sarah Crosby, Sara Crosbie, Sara Crosby and Sara(h) Cosby. (Although, if the world turns on its head and things go horribly wrong in the U. S. in 2012 and a certain somebody becomes a major player on the world stage, you may also call me Elizabeth Crosbie.)

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Beans, beans the magical fruit. They make you happy, they make you t**t

Every year at The Whig, we hold a Chilifest as a United Way fundraiser.
A few years ago, when I was a single gal living in my own little apartment, I made a massive batch of chili according to my mama's instructions.
It was OK, but no one really ate it. There were really good cooks at work who were making steak chili, pork tenderloin chili and chilies with real chili peppers and authentic seasonings. I tossed in a bunch of extra lean ground beef, some chili powder and green peppers.
Last year was a little worse. The husband and I were in a massive, massive fight so I was ticked off the whole time I was making the chili. In between dumping ingredients into our big pot, I was fighting. During one wicked round of arguing, I left the chili, only to discover that all the kidney beans had stuck to the side of the container and had burnt themselves black.
With no time to make another batch, I had only one option: I had to pick out all sizzled-black kidney beans, one by one. Do you have any idea how long it takes to pick two cans of kidney beans out of a batch of chili. Again, no one at work really ate my chili (even though I threw in pineapple to sassy it up a little).
This year.
Well, what can I say.
It has been a nutty few weeks.
There's work, which takes up a bulk of my life.
Exercise.
Toddler.
Errands and the stuff of life.
Plus, I've been doing a bunch of things for our United Way fundraising.
(We also spent a night this week at the Wiggles. See previous post).
So, it's Thursday night, chili is due the next day, and as a member of the United Way committee, I have to have it done. I have all the ingredients: Lean ground turkey, peppers, onions, chili powder, (pineapple, maybe) and beans.
Except, by the time I got home from work at 6:30, I still had a column to write for work, movie capsules to finish off for the Saturday paper, Halloween stuff to get ready for the next day, and dinner to make.
And, yet, being the superstar mother, wife, baker, cook, leaf-raker woman that I am, I got my pot of chili done and still had time to watch CSI at 9 p.m.
How'd I do it?
I'd like to take this moment to thank Campbell's, maker of wonder soups and Chunky CHILIs. Four cans of chili, plus one can of beef soup to alter the consistency, plus some hand-cut green peppers and I had chili. Which no one ate again. But chili it was. And on time. (Don't tell anyone. My United Way chili committee would be "a-gassed.")

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Wanna make me smile? Wiggle that thang.

Spend a decade covering entertainment as a columnist, reporter and editor, and you can become jaded. When musicians, actors, comics and artists are starting out, they ask and plead for coverage and they're happy for any help they get. Sometimes, depending on how many events are going on in the city, how busy reporters are, and the size of the newspaper, all we can offer them is a listing: Their name, location of the event, time it starts and cost of admission.

Often, they're grateful and appreciative. Usually, we do much better: Every week, we publish [in the Ticket] photos and feature stories on local artists and out-of-town artists performing/exhibiting/ entertaining in the Kingston area. A story usually warrants a heap of love from the person being profiled.

You always hope that when they say they'll remember you when they make it big, they mean it.

Having the K-Rock Centre has ushered in a new level of frustration for those of us who cover entertainment. Bigger stars equal bigger shows, but bigger headaches, too.

We try to give our readers superior coverage but that's hard to do when Sheryl Crow would only do preshow interviews with two radio stations and Avril Lavigne's handlers levied a heavy contract on us about what we could and couldn't do with the photographs we took and refused to give her hometown newspaper an interview. Photographers in Canada are already buzzing on the 'Net about the fact they haven't been allowed to shoot the Bob Dylan show. (Kingston could change that on Nov. 15).

But it doesn't have to be this way. When the Little Guy becomes the Big Guy, The Guy can still be gracious and accommodating. I have proof of it from Anthony, Jeff, Murray and Sam.

It's true: Avril Lavigne could learn a thing or two from The Wiggles.

The Australian entertainers were in town Tuesday to perform for one of the toughest crowds: Children; hungry, overtired, overexcited, poopy-in-their-diapers, (Oh, was that just my kid?) children.

These four singers -middle-aged men who are known as the yellow Wiggle (Sam), the red Wiggle (Murray), the blue Wiggle (Anthony) and purple Wiggle (Jeff) - started the show by leaving the stage and walking around to meet the concertgoers.

What's scarier - Lavigne having to walk through a crowd of teens or Wiggles dancing through throngs of children who will be out for blood soon if they don't hear classics like Dorothy the Dinosaur and Fruit Salad (Yummy, Yummy). I think the Wiggles take the bigger risk by leaving the stage.

I may be the only person who saw Lavigne at the K-Rock Centre and thought the concert was a snoozefest. Everyone I talked to looovved her. She didn't interact with the audience and there was no dancing. Yes, the hot pink piano was sexy and her vocals were good, but her show, in terms of entertainment? Not good enough for such a seasoned performer.

The Wiggles, on the other hand, mixed song with dance - including the famed lift from Dirty Dancing - with acrobatics and comedy. Murray (Mr. red Wiggle) was outed by his band-mates, who told the crowd he was named the sixth best guitarist in Australia. To show the adults he has a sense of humour, he played the opening to Stairway to Heaven.

The Wiggles' publicist also called us and asked if we'd like an interview - and which Wiggle we'd like to interview. They called us?! Huh?

Yes, these guys are children's entertainers but they're rock stars for anyone under eight. And they're rich.

Maybe they're truly gracious or maybe they're brilliant self promoters, but it doesn't matter. I was entertained. Performers who come to the K-Rock Centre have a new standard to attain. They better Wiggle it.
And here is the rest of it.

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Wanted: A jock strap to fit a two-year-old!

I swear we were looking for a rake.
We have a large red maple in our backyard that coats our lawn and another maple on our front lawn that blankets that grass, too.
My son was asking for a rake and so, I thought, it could only be a good thing to teach him some manual labour at the tender age of two.
When I was a kid (and a teen), I hated doing yard work with my parents. I always had this silly thought that the cool kids were going to be driving by my house at the same time I was raking and they'd think I was a loser. But here's the thing: from the yard, with a rake in your hand, it may seem like the cool kids are driving by in slooooomo mocking you, but when you're in a car, driving by someone's house, you don't have time to assess everything going on in the street, have time to mock the raker, and then look cool driving away. Plus, there's no shame in helping your parents.
Except, we couldn't find a toy rake anywhere, so we headed to the used kids' stores, where we've found some incredible deals.
The second we walked in the door of one of the stores, my son saw "them." They were on the floor, a little dusty, basically hidden under a rack of kids' winter coats and snow pants.
"Skates!" my son screamed.
For the past month, my son has been asking for skates. But he's two. Whose two-year-old has ice skates?
Ah, mine does.
If he wasn't my son, I'd think he had wacko parents who were forcing him to pick up a stick and wear skates in the hopes of being the next Sidney Crosbie, er, Crosby.
My son is an interesting study in nature versus nurture. I can't skate. His father, however, is a goalie and his 15-year-old brother plays rep hockey.
As soon as our toddler son turned one, he became obsessed with all things hockey and never left the house without a hockey stick. This isn't something we forced on him; it was something he wanted to do. In fact, I promptly put him in music lessons to counteract his obsession with the (outrageously expensive) game. But he persevered.
In the summer and fall, we played hockey in the driveway. In the winter, we were forced into the garage. Sure, he's had a wandering eye (he is male, after all). He had a thing for diggers and, for awhile, he couldn't get enough of screwdrivers, but lately, it has been all hockey all the time.
I don't know how he spotted these skates, but there they were: size eight skates and just $10.
We bought them and brought them home. He walked across our lawn in his skates to show the neighbours, ate his dinner sitting on the couch wearing them and went to bed with his skates on his night table so he could see them as he fell asleep.
When his father got home later that night, and went into our son's room to give him a good-night kiss, he woke up, pointed at his skates, and in his sleep whispered: "I bought skates!"
The next morning, my son woke up, got his skates and carried them to the breakfast table.
"Mommy. I need a homot." A what? "A homot."
So, there we were, first thing on a Sunday morning at Canadian Tire, with all the other hockey parents.
We grabbed a helmet, made for two-to-five-year-olds, (seriously, what two-year-old needs to skate?) and headed home. But when we got home, my son had one final request: "I need goves," he announced.
We told him no-no, there would be no gloves. A few minutes later, he appeared with an old pair of volleyball knee pads on his hands. "Goves!" he shouted with glee. I don't even want to know what he's going to do with his Winnie The Pooh sippy cup.
And here is the rest of it.

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Secret revealed: How to get Sarah to shut up

Door to door, the trip from my front door to my parents' cottage is four and a half hours, which is a long time for adults and a really long time for a two year old.

We bought a DVD player for the car so he can watch Mighty Machines, Finding Nemo and The Wiggles but the DVD viewing will end in a year or two and I will subject him to the Crosbie car fun. We will sing Down By the Bay (Did you ever see a frog sitting on a log? Did you ever see a cat wearing a hat?) and Old MacDonald.

When my brother and I were growing up, and the songs got old, we'd hold competitions, like I Spy with My Little Eye and Count the Road Signs - whoever saw and counted the most won. (The 1988 debate over whether real estate signs count for a point was never amicably resolved.)

But my all-time favourite way to pass the time on the drive to the cottage was my dad's challenge.

"Alright, Sarah, if you can be quiet for the next half an hour, and not say a word, I'll give you a quarter to spend," he'd say with a devilish grin and a twinkle in his eye.

I'd watch the clock tick from 4 p. m. to 4:09 to 4:12 to 4:24 to 4:31.

"I did it!" I'd scream. "I did it! You owe me a quarter! Let's do it again!"

The competitor in me would never lose a challenge and so I'd shut up for the two-hour drive and make myself a buck.

But my son, who's just 24 months old, can't play these silly games yet and so we rely on videos and toys to entertain him on long drives.

Only once, in his two years, have we taken him as a treat to get fast food.

We took him to McDonald's to get chicken nuggets and fries. He loved the nuggets, refused the fries, and ate heaping spoonfuls of our Thai takeout dinner. But he did love the toy. His kids' meal came with a plastic toy bird from the movie Kung Fu Panda.

Growing up, fast food was a treat in my house so I treasured the little plastic knickknacks that came bundled with the kids' meals.

I still have two plastic Fraggles and their little toy cars, a McDonald's Hamburglar in a blue race car and a Kermit the Frog that rides around on a rocking horse that was a promo toy for the animated TV show Muppet Babies.

As we headed west to the cottage on Highway 401, and lunchtime approached, I told my son we'd get something to eat and he'd get a treat.

"A treat! Oh!" he squealed. We stopped at a highway restaurant and I ordered him a kids' meal.

This was a key junction in our trip. I needed him to fill his tummy, get back in the car and then be fascinated with this new toy (as rinkydink as I knew it would be.) It just had to keep him amused long enough so that he'd be happy and eventually drift off to sleep for the final two hours of the trip.

I dumped out the nuggets and pulled out the fries and looked in the bag for the toy.

"Treat! Treat!" he yelled happily. But there was no toy in this kids'

meal. Instead, there was a disc tucked in a cardboard sleeve.

Since when did fast-food restaurants start giving out audiobooks?

"You can enjoy the adventure almost anywhere and anytime! Pop in your Listening Library CD while riding in the car, getting dressed, relaxing at home, or at bedtime," the package read.

"Here you go, sweetie," I said, handing him the square package.

"Where treat?" he asked. Exactly.

Have we really become so technological that we can't give children a toy car? What's next? A coupon for our children to download Mary Had a Little Lamb from iTunes?

(Did you ever see a boy, who didn't want a car toy? Down By the Bay!)
And here is the rest of it.

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Attack of the Bleacher Creature

At the end of Grade 6, we were all 12 years old, and dying to start Grade 7 because most of our mothers had told us that once we started Grade 7, we could wear makeup. A little makeup. Just a tad.
I remember going to the mall with my friends where we spent hours agonizing over how to spend our allowances. I remember every piece of makeup I bought that day: One emerald green eyeliner, one dark blue eyeliner, one purple eyeliner, clear mascara (maybe the silliest invention ever, but very ’80s ), concealer cream for the black bags under my eyes that my friends insisted I cover (and we wonder why girls and women are so image obsessed) and foundation to shovel on my wrinkle-free, zit-free, perfect 12-year-old skin. (The beauty industry gets you early and gets you good.)
Pretty much every girl in my class looked the same on that first day of school, everyone that is, but Laura.
Laura was a weird girl. She came into Grade 7 with a bad rep because she’d allegedly made out with boys under the bleachers. (Years later when a group of us were reminiscing, we wondered: Our school didn’t even have bleachers, did it?) But what Laura did on that first day, sealed her fate as a weirdo: She came to school with the eyeliner on her lower and upper lids. It wasn’t that she used too much or put it on in a funny way – it was the colour. Her eyes were tomato red. She looked like she had a school’s worth of pink eye. It’s how I looked at Queen’s after I pulled back-to-back all-nighters to finish sociology essays. She had outlined her eyes in lipliner that must have had a name like cherry explosion or red-hot rouge.
I thought about Laura this weekend every time I looked in the mirror. Early Saturday morning, when I wasn’t really awake and hadn’t had any coffee yet, my son and I were playing in our living room. I asked him for a kiss.
He looked at me and smiled and came charging toward me. But instead of his lips connecting with my cheek, his chin smacked my eye (actually the black bag under my right eye). I don’t want to sound like a wuss, but it hurt. A lot. Enough to make me cry.
“I sorry,” my two-year-old cried as he saw a tear roll down my cheek.
I wiped away my tear and then felt another one coming. I wiped that one away too, a pink-tinged tear …
Blood!?
My bag under my eye was bleeding? (At least I wasn’t bleeding black.)
Hours later, for the first time in my life, I had a black eye. Spots around the bottom of my eye was purple, blue – and cherry explosion red.
I was asked the same question repeatedly over the weekend: “What happened to your eye?” (I actually thought it was strange so many people asked me this because what if my black eye wasn’t from a kissing accident with my toddler?)
I’ve also had friends and even a doctor once ask me about the number of bruises I had on my body. One, I’m sort of clumsy. Two, I’ve always bruised easily. Three, when you have a busy life and a toddler, you’re often rushing around, doing things haphazardly, too quickly, too fast and accidents happen. And now I have to do insane things to entertain my son like climb dirt piles and run up slides and give horsey rides around my kitchen.
There are so many more bruises to come.
But bruises disappear.
After a few days, my black eye was gone.
But I’ll always have the memory of my son running so fast, so hard, to kiss to me, that he turned me into Laura Red Eye, the Bleacher Creature.

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The husband, the beer-can fish and the perfect sandwich

I think my husband is pretty close to perfect (sorry to gush but I'm still a newlywed so I have to savour the love). How do I love thee? Let me count the ways (but I don't have much room here so I'm going to count only to three).

1. You leave love notes in my car.

2. You've taken up running so that I have someone to accompany me on my five-kilometre loop.

3. You (happily) went to the movies to see Sex and the City with me - which, by the way, was almost two and a half hours long. And it was bad. So, so bad.

See? There's a lot to love.

But he also has some major flaws.

My No. 1 pet peeve is the kind of thing that can kill a relationship.

Ladies, I know you're with me on this one: A steak sandwich and its chopped-up, saucy sister sandwich, the Philly cheesesteak.

We like to spend our money in local, specialty restaurants, but sometimes, if we're travelling or out with family, we eat at chain restaurants and that means he's going to order The Sandwich of Doom.

This is how our conversation goes: "Ready to order?" the server asks.

"I'll have the steak sandwich," my husband will say.

"Yeah, um, could we actually have

a minute?" I'll snark. And then I berate him.

"Why are you having that? It's never good. You always say it's tough and chewy. It has no taste. It's full of gristle. The bun is like cardboard."

And then he gets it anyway. And he doesn't like it.

"I don't know why I got that. It's never good. It was tough and chewy. It had no taste. It was full of gristle. The bun was like cardboard," he'll say.

So you can understand my horror when he ordered a Philly cheesesteak from a little hole in the wall called the Lakeview Tavern and Restaurant in Erinsville, a town about 45 minutes northwest of Kingston.

From the outside, it looks dumpy. But inside? It's fantastic. There's a bar with red vinyl swivel seats. The restaurant's tables and chairs are mismatched and many chairs are brown-flowered vinyl, just like the kind my grandmother used to have in her dining room.

There are arcade games - Ms. Pac-Man, Terminator 3, and, my favourite, Big Buck Hunter III, which lets you shoot animals with a massive gun. (My son thought this was incredible, even though we didn't put any money in it.)

There are stuffed fish and deer heads on the wall. (My son thought these were incredible, too. It was like going to the petting zoo and not having to actually touch the dirty things.)

And then the piece de resistance -a fish hanging on the wall made out of Molson Export beer cans.

"Nemo!" my 23-month-old son shouted.

"Hi Nemo! Hi! Hi! Hi!" he squealed, just days after discovering the animated fish movie Finding Nemo.

And then it was time to order. I asked for a chicken wrap. My son got chicken fingers. My stepson ordered a burger and my stepdaughter ordered breakfast - eggs and bacon.

All simple roadhouse staples. "And I'll have the Philly cheesesteak," my husband said.

Once he got it, he took one bite and then shoved it at me.

"Taste this," he said.

"I know, I know, it tastes like cardboard," I said as I bit into the -

Tender strips of melt-in-your-mouth steak, sauteed onions and green pepper dripping in a sweet barbecue sauce and blanketed in mozzarella, on a warm, toasted bun.

A fish made out of beer cans and a delicious steak sandwich. What more could a girl want? A glass of Shiraz.

And Lakeview has that, too. My husband. Such a genius.


And here is the rest of it.

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The controlling man in my life

I need to apologize to every mother who, in my self-obsessed 20s, I condemned as being a bad parent because I thought you were letting your baby be a wild child. I know now that you don't control your toddler; he controls you.

While my 23-month-old is the apple of my eye, he's become a crab apple in the past few weeks as he learns to assert his independence.

He has two favourite sayings. If he drops something and I offer to get it, he'll reject my help: "No, I get it!"

And my baby boy who used to love being in his stroller or in a shopping cart, doesn't like to sit anymore.

"I walk!" he'll demand.

One of my favourite things to do with my son is (was) grocery shopping. He'd sit in the cart and choose green peppers for me to bag and we'd open a bag of cookies in the store and each have one.

This week, when we went shopping, I evidently brought the wrong child. Strange, how the spawn of the devil looks just like my angelic boy.

We stepped into the store and there, just a few steps in, was my worst nightmare: A bin full of pink, blue, green and purple balls.

"Balls!" my son shouted. "Balls! Balls! Balls!"

(Whoever set this display up, doesn't have children or has a vendetta against mothers.)

Before I could grab my son, he picked up two balls and then kicked them toward the broccoli. Then, he escaped under the turnstile, leaving me behind with the shopping cart.

On my way to grab him, I threw two bunches of broccoli (just 99 cents each!) into my cart and took off in my high-heeled shoes. We zipped through the pharmacy for diapers and then headed to the meat section for chicken, still playing soccer with two balls.

Then, he picked up the balls and whipped them at a frozen hamburger display and then ran away.

With five packages of cold, soggy chicken skewers under my arm, I set off to catch him, my purse still in the cart, now an aisle away.

And then he fell. Face first. The screams echoed in the store.

I picked him up and carried him back to the shopping cart, his legs like egg beaters, whirling around, kicking me in the thighs and stomach. I grabbed one ball from the frozen burgers display and chased the other, which was rolling towards the dairy section.

"I walk! I walk!" he screamed.

As soon as I put him down again, he took off. Giggling. I caught up to my son in the cereal aisle, where he threw himself on the floor and started kicking the shelf, causing boxes of bran to topple.

"Excuse me!" a woman said, exasperated as she tried to get past us. I scooped up my son again and

stuck him in the main part of the cart with the food. As I flew around the aisles, my son calmed down.

I was checking my grocery list, enjoying the peace, when a woman strutted over to my cart.

"Ma'am," she spitted. "Your son -" she paused. "Is sitting on your broccoli!" He must have sensed the hostility

because he snapped out of his happy place.

"I walk!" he screamed.

We dashed to the checkout, where my son whipped the balls at a 20-something male cashier - over and over again.

"I'm so sorry," I apologized - over and over again.

"This is the best part of my day," he said, as he rang through my flattened broccoli.

"It's fun." Fun?

And here is the rest of it.

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Essential tactics for gossip girls

My husband and I have a thing we do (OK, it's a thing I do) when I want to tell him a story about someone when we're out in public.

If we're going out for dinner, I'll prep him on the drive to the restaurant.

"Tonight," I'll say, "I'm going to tell you a story about Dan Bandanamana. But, when I do, I'm going to call him Bille Bo Bob."

"Uh huh," my husband will reply, knowing that he's going to have to sit through one of my dramas.

It's a scheme I've devised so that I can talk about someone without worrying about whether his wife/sister/coworker/brother is sitting next to me - unbeknownst to me.

I started doing this a few years ago because when we went out for dinner we could never tell stories that involved anyone because we were always surrounded by people we knew, or people who we knew knew us, even if they didn't know we knew them. Know what I mean?

The new-name scheme is a plan I think other people should adopt.

I was out for dinner the other night with my girlfriends talking about whether it's OK that we feed our toddlers wieners, chicken fingers and chocolate milk for dinner when I heard: "Blah, blah, blah, Sarah Crosbie, blah, blah, blah."

The table next to us was having a good time chatting - about me. I was sitting just one person away from them so I gave them a smile.

They were so involved in their conversation, they didn't notice my gesture. Nope, they had no idea that that girl enjoying her glass of Australian shiraz was me. Sarah Crosbie.

"Blah, blah, blah, Sarah Crosbie, blah, blah, blah," – I could make out only every third word or so. I wasn't annoyed I was being talked about. I was amused. But then, my amusement turned to worry. I know I'm due for a hair cut and, yes, I've gained five pounds over the last few months. Maybe I looked so out of sorts I didn't even look like myself?

Working at a newspaper brings a certain amount of celebrity when you live in a city the size of Kingston.

There are times I like chatting with readers - like when I'm out on a date with my hubby, having a nice time, sipping wine - (when I look good) -and there are times when I'm not so keen about chatting with readers, like when I'm at the drugstore buying diapers with bedhead and raccoon eyes from yesterday's mascara.

One time a few months ago, a lovely older man who was in his 70s or 80s met me at the cash register and wanted to chat.

"Well, fancy meeting you here so early in the morning, Sarah Crosbie!" he said with a huge smile.

"I'm getting my newspaper. Whatcha getting this time of day?"

"Oh, well, you know," I said, as I tried to hide the box of tampons behind my back.

I slowly backed away, mumbling something about having to go grab something, anything, to get me out of the humiliating situation. It was like having to talk about feminine products with my grandpa.

I also once had a Kingstonian tell me she was at a little resort, Los Corales, in Santiago de Cuba, the same week my husband and I were there - and she saw us.

Saw us doing what? I thought. Frolicking on the beach? Kissing?

Hoovering our dinner? Jumping in the pool with our clothes on? My mind raced as I tried to rewind the entire vacation in my head.

I don't have a problem with people talking about me. All I ask is that if you are going to take my advice and give me a new name so you can gab about me openly, you make it something fun like Billie Bo Bobette.

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A well-heeled girl hits a low point

I've been having a low week. A very low week. I've felt flat. And my emotions have been constantly flip-flopping. I know what I need to elevate my mood; what I need to give myself a boost.
But I can't have them. Not yet.
My bad week started on Sunday when I met up with some girlfriends to go for a run. We met at one of their houses on a quiet, countryside road off Highway 15 in the city's east end.I was feeling good. It had rained the night before and the air felt damp and cool. My asthmatic lungs felt free. Breathe in. Breathe out.
I was so happy to be running and so happy to be chatting with my girlfriends, whom I don't get to see often.
And then - thud.
I had been running (and chatting) when my left foot hit the road's soft shoulder and I went down.
My left knee smacked loose gravel and my left hand automatically went down too to try and keep the rest of my body from tumbling. I heard my friend ask if I was OK.
Scraped hand. Dirt on my legs. Is that blood on my knee? Is that a piece of rock embedded in my hand? Wait, is that a second splotch of blood on my knee? I'm bleeding? From running?
Instead of having a motor mouth, I should have just been motoring and I wouldn't have fallen.
My pride kept me from stopping. I shook it off and kept going - another 9.5 kilometres in about an hour.
It wasn't until I finished the run and I was driving home that I realized it wasn't my knee or hand that was sore. It was my ankle.
When I got home, I limped into my house. Even when I've had low self-esteem, I've always, as silly as it sounds, loved my small ankles. No cankles here. (Dad: a cankle is when your calf doesn't taper at the ankle. Your leg looks like one long log. (Calf + ankle = cankle.)
But today, my plum-sized ankle had swollen to the size of an apple.
My husband ordered me to RICE it - rest, ice, compression and elevation.
(Did he forget we have an non-stop 22-month-old? I haven't had rest in two years. And I use all of our ice for my Diet Cokes. Compression? Decompression would be good. And elevation? Yes! That one I can definitely do if I can do it with shoes.)
I will always happily put on a pair of high-heel shoes to make myself feel better. Red patent-leather heels have chameleon-like powers. They can make you feel like a sophisticated lady or a sex machine.
"You know, Sarah," my husband said, while examining my ankle, "you're going to have to wear flat shoes to work tomorrow."
Not once, in nine years, have I worn flat shoes to work. Even when I was nine months pregnant, I wore my four-inch high heels every day (that's my wedding-day, high-heeled, happy foot in the photo above). And now, because of one fall, I have to wear flat shoes to work? Every day this week I had to wear running shoes or flip-flops.
I'm only five-foot-four (and a bit) and though I'm not now, I've been overweight - almost 50 pounds heavier sometimes - so heels have played an important role in my life.
Heels make you taller. When you look taller, you look leaner. And pointy-toed shoes elongate your body. Stacy London I'm not, but I've learned the tricks to make clothing slimming.
Am I shallow and insecure because I've let my footwear dictate my mood my all week? I don't think so. Some women get their confidence from dolling themselves up with makeup; some women like to accessorize with purses; some women love jewelry. I'm head over heels for high heels.
Don't understand the power of a heel? Spend a day walking in my shoes and you'll see.
And here is the rest of it.

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A talent for handling raw meat

What mattered most in the Crosbie household when I was growing up was hard work. Just as there are no small parts, just small actors, my parents taught me that when it comes to making and saving money, there are no bad jobs, just bad attitudes.
Like every teenager, when school ended I wanted a summer job that was cool.
(For those of you who think like my dad does, I don’t mean air-conditioned. I mean sweet, fun, comfy, hip – something that would make your friends jealous.)
My very first summer job was working at a community newspaper. I made $9 an hour – which was an incredible amount of money for 1994.
When my job wasn’t available the following the year, I knew I had to go on the hunt and I also knew that it couldn’t get any better than writing stories and columns in a nice air-conditioned building. (Yes, the job was cool on two levels.)
And so hunting I went.
I handed out more than 100 resumes and I waited and waited for a call while all my friends landed what seemed like perfect summer jobs: lifeguarding, summer camp counselors, Gap salesperson. It didn’t get better than The Gap.
And then I waited.
Finally, I got the call. A fast-food place that specialized in fries wanted me to come in for an interview.
I put on a brave face for my parents but I was freaking out on the inside. Fast food wasn’t cool. Being greasy wasn’t cool. But money was money. A job was a job. Beggars can’t be choosers. I remember sitting with my mother in my kitchen going over and over and over possible interview questions.
“Why fries?” the fast-food manager asked the following morning.
“I’m sorry?” I questioned. “Why fries?” was not one of the questions my mother and I had rehearsed.
I had top grades. I had spirit. I had gusto. I had determination.
What I didn’t have was any sort of an answer for this man’s question.
“Why fries? Why choose fries over pizza or subs or donuts?” he said very seriously.
The question seemed far too philosophical for a high school kid looking to making minimum wage (which was $6.85 an hour).
I remember babbling about fries being hot and crispy. Subs and donuts aren’t hot and crispy. No sirree. They’re cold. And with pizza, well, there’s just one pizza slice, but with fries, you can eat just one, or two, or 39. And incredible new advances are being made every day in the French fry industry. Poutine is becoming popular. Some people are making nacho fries, using fries in place of nacho chips. It is a revolutionary idea to add sour cream on fries; a nice way to cool them down on a hot summer’s day, I always say.
I returned home to my parents, completely sure I ruined my one and only interview.
An hour later, the phone rang.
“You seem to have a knack for fries,” the manager said.
“You’re hired.”
I worked hard at that job. No, it wasn’t cool. Mean high school kids flicked pennies and shot spit balls at me when I was working at the cash register and I came home every night slicked with grease. And yes, it was damn hot working around the deep fryers. But I made money. Nothing could compare though to the next summer when, again, I couldn’t get a job – until a butcher shop called me in for an interview.
“You look like the kind of girl who has a talent for handling raw meat,” the manager said.
“You’re hired!”

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Meet the E-mail forward king

I’d like to bestow an honour on my father: Dad, I declare thee the E-mail Forwarding King of Canada.
Right now in my e-mail inbox I have probably a few hundred forwards he’s sent me over the past few months. I have to be honest: Most of them I don’t open because I know the e-mail is going to contain a collection of cute baby animals photographs or silly jokes. Have you heard the one about the three dads who walk into a bar on Father’s Day? No? Me neither, but I can probably get it for you. It’s undoubtedly in my father’s Forward Vault and, any day now, he’s going to unleash it on the world.
The latest one he sent me is titled: To My Wine Drinking Friends:
“Wine for Seniors,
California vintners, in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night. The new wine will be marketed as...”
(Ready for the punchline? I’m sorry to do this to you…)
“Pino More!”
Do you see why I don’t open many of these things? They’re incredibly lame. But my problem is, I know my father likes sending them to me. They’re an easy way for a father to communicate with his daughter. I don’t think there are very many dads out there who are going to sit their 31-year-old daughters down and say, “Honey. I can sense that you’re feeling overwhelmed with life. You have a busy toddler and a demanding job. Every mother and wife feels like she has to take on the world. Let’s talk. Want to grab a Green Tea Frappucino (no whip) and share?”
But e-mail forwards a nice way to say: “Hey. I’m your dad and I’m thinking about you. And wine. And bad punchlines. And cute animal baby animals.”
It has been a stressful month in my home. Our sewer backed up in our house. Then my son got an ear infection. Then I got a wicked bronchial virus – which I gave to my husband. Then my son came down with a gastrointestinal virus, which made him so sick, we panicked a little and took him to Hotel Dieu’s Children’s Outpatient Centre because we were sure he was becoming deyhydrated since he couldn’t keep anything in his tummy. I obviously complained a little too much to my mother, because my father abandoned his forwards and started sending me real – albeit one-line – e-mails that said things such as: “Chin up! Have a hot shower and a nap and you’ll feel better!”
Still, the respite could last only so long. Within a couple of days, I noticed my inbox was filling up again with forwards, followed by e-mails from my dad enquiring as to whether I had actually read his forwards.
There is one piece of mail I got from my father that made me smile; a true, genuine, smile:
1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don’t like you.
5. Every night, someone thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. You are special and unique.
8. Someone that you don’t even know exists loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.
11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget the rude remarks.
Yes, I got this in the mail from my dad – but not e-mail.
He’d actually sent me these 11 tips in an e-mail forward days ago, and then he realized I’d likely never read them. So, he printed them on two pages, taped the pages together, and mailed them to my home.
And then, of course, he e-mailed me to ask if I got his letter.
Gotta love him.
Happy Father’s Day, dads.

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A Little Man's love for Ga-ma

After I gave birth to my son, mothers of sons all told me the same thing: There's a special bond that exists between mothers and sons; a special kind of love.
What no one said, was that my 21-month-old son would be willing to kick me to curb with his size-5 Velcro runners, if it meant he got to be with grandma, or as he calls her "Ga-ma."
It all started when he was three months old. The Husband and I decided to go away for one night, but one night, when you have a baby, feels like a million nights. As a mother, you so desperately want a break, and then once you're gone for half an hour, you want your baby back.
After our 24-hour rendezvous, we returned to my parents' house the next morning to pick up our son and take him home. I expected him to smile and reach out to me. Yes, I realize he was only three months old, but I was his existence. Or, I had been until that trip away. He clung to my mother, ignoring the fact we'd come to get him. That was the night she cleverly planted the idea, I'm sure, that he could come live with her. And live happily ever after.
My parents live a couple hours away, so when we go for visits, we often stay the whole weekend. The second we get in the house, my mother whisks away her grandson. First, she shows him all the new clothes she's bought him. Then, she shows him the toys. Sometimes it's just a ball or two. Sometimes it's a dump truck, a bubble lawnmower, sandbox shovels, a Backyardigans colouring book and a play fireman's hat.
Next, my mom takes her grandson up to the kitchen to show him all the food she's made him: There are his favourite homemade bran muffins, his favourite chicken noodle soup and his favourite coo-coos (cookies). Plus, she's made him Jello. And bought him a new sippy cup for his milk. And did we see the new magnetic letters on the fridge she bought him, too? (He'll sit with her for half an hour and sing the alphabet while lining up the orange, purple and yellow letters, but here, at home, he'll use them only as hockey pucks.)
Sometimes it breaks my heart when we're all together and I need some mother-son time and I'll ask him to come hug me.
"No!" he'll bark.
"Ga-ma!"
"Sweetie," I'll say, tenderly.
"Who's the one who carried you for nine months, gave birth to you, breastfed you at 1, 3, 5, 7 in the morning? For a year? Who takes you to daycare every morning? Who gets up with you every morning at 6 a.m.? Who loves you the most?"
He'll pause and look at me and smile. Then, he'll tentatively take a step toward me and –
"Ga-ma!" he'll shriek with joy.
While I feign being distraught (OK, I actually do get upset) I love that he loves her so much, but it also breaks my heart.
Last weekend, my parents came for a quick visit on Sunday afternoon. They used to like visiting me. Now they come to see their grandson.
"Oh, hi," my mother will say, as she bolts through the door, shoving me aside, her eyes darting around the house searching for her grandson.
In the few hours my parents were here, grandson and Ga-ma picked rhubarb out of the garden together; watched MVP: Most Valuable Primate, the greatest movie ever made for a toddler; a story about a hockey-playing monkey!; ate crackers and hummus and read his new Thomas book. Then, it was time for his afternoon nap. When he woke up two hours later, Ga-ma was gone.
"Ga-ma!" my son called in his sweet sing-song voice.
"Ga-ma! Ga-ma?"
But Ga-ma was gone, back to her home, two hours away.
Lucky are you, the grandparents who live in the same city as your grandchildren.
There's a special bond that exists between mothers and sons; a special kind of love.
But the love between a Ga-ma and her boy? It's true love.

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Sex and the City and refried beans

I remember five years ago when my best friend popped by my apartment for a visit.
I’ve always been messy – (but it’s an organized mess) and I never know where anything is (I would, my husband and my mother tell me, if I’d just put things back in their proper place) - but I’d sunk to a new low.
I’d become a prisoner on my own couch. In a semicircle surrounding me were 10, 15, maybe 20 cans of opened refried beans with a fork stuck in them. Yes, I’d been eating the beans out of the cans. I’d washed the beans back with a case or two of Diet Coke. I’d eaten myself into a corner.
“Oh, Sarah,” my friend said, surprised, shocked, saddened at what my life had become.
A few weeks earlier, my live-in boyfriend had left our “love nest” and me. About half a day later he had a new girlfriend. The one-two punch gutted me. The days that followed were about survival. Wake up. Shower. Go to work. Come home from work. Cry. Eat dinner. (The only thing I could eat that didn’t make me throw up was refried beans and Diet Coke.) Cry. Go to sleep.
My friend lovingly scolded me and told me it was time to pick myself up and get outside and do something.
“Yes!” I told her.
“I’m going to go do something!”
After she left my home, I had an epiphany: I had nowhere to go and nothing to do.
I lost myself in that relationship. I did what too many girls do: I made myself all about my relationship and I’d become one-dimensional.
I did really need something to do – but what? When I wasn’t working, I’d been a girlfriend and now that I wasn’t a girlfriend, I had nothing to do when I wasn’t working.
I stood on my apartment balcony and looked out at Kingston. The sky was licorice black that night and the stars were sparkling. And in that night sky, I saw it. I saw a sign. It was a sign from the heavens.
OK, it was actually a sign from Blockbuster.
I lived just a few steps from the downtown video store on Queen Street. It was there I found something to pick myself up. It was there I found four new friends. It was there I found Sex and the City on DVD.
I didn’t get HBO so I’d only seen bits and pieces of the cable show when I was visiting my parents’ house but every time I turned it on there, one of the show’s star’s breasts were on display and I didn’t want my parents to think I was into porn, so I always quickly turned the show off.
Here, in the comfort of my own pigsty, I could watch the sordid adventures/affairs of Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte without feeling guilty. In fact, I could watch the episodes over and over and over again.
Soon, my routine changed. For the better. Wake up. Shower. Go to work. Come home from work. Watch Sex and the City. Eat dinner. (I started buying my dinners at Blockbuster when I picked up the DVDs – convenient or what? – so I was now on to nacho chips and the bright orange plastic cheese nacho cheese dip and Diet Coke.) Watch Sex and the City. Go to sleep.
Truly, I credit the show for pulling me out of my slump.
These four friends did cool things: Charlotte hung out in art galleries. Miranda ran a marathon. Samantha did yoga. Carrie wrote newspaper columns – for a living.
Like millions of women, I’m dying to reunite with my girls now that Sex and the City: The Movie is in theatres.
Carrie and company always celebrated with Cosmopolitans.
I’ll have a Diet Coke and maybe some nachos.
For old times’ sake.

(This column appeared in the May 31 edition of The Ticket, inside The Kingston Whig-Standard)

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'See the little turds all floating around'

Saturday morning of the long weekend, and I am standing in my laundry room with my new best friend Justin. Justin, you see, is the man who was supposed to make all my problems disappear.
What Justin has to say is serious business. I watch as my husband and Justin talk, each nodding their head knowingly about the situation at hand and what we have to do to fix it. I shake my head knowingly, too, pretending to be interested in the conversation. But truth be told, I’m daydreaming about a Girl Guide camp I went to when I was 12 years old. It was there, in our tent, late at night, that I learned something dirty, something so disgusting my mother banned me from repeating it in our house for many years. But here, in my own laundry room, the song danced around my head, like the doo doos that were bobbing up and down on my laundry room floor in a flood of black water.
“Sam. Sam. The laboratory man. Chief inspector of the outhouse can. Toilet paper, toilet paper, paper towels, listen to the rumble of the human bowels.
“Deep down, under the ground, see the little turds all floating around. Sam. Sam. The laboratory man. Scooping up the poopies with his bare, bare hands. Yah!”
Our home, it seems, was experiencing a main line backup. When Justin The Plumber first got to our house that morning, he thought our problem was a minor blockage in the sewer pipe. An hour later, the situation has been upgraded to what my two-year-old son would call an “uh-oh.”
Justin feeds a black-and-white camera down our main line through our “cleanout,” which looks like a portal to another world (it’s really just a hole in our floor) to see what is causing the problem.
“I’ve never seen anything like this,” he says, as he stares at what looked like blobs to me.
(Apparently sometimes you can see rats crawling toward you, so I’m happy I see only blobs.)
As he feeds the camera through our line, he points out one, two, three, four massive tree roots that have grown into our line. The roots, he says, are acting as barriers, so things – food, toilet paper, other non-mentionables that go down the toilet – can’t pass.
“Man, really, I’ve never seen anything like this. Your line also looks deformed!”
Really, truly, I’m so glad my pipes are so screwed up we could be a training academy for apprenticing plumbers, but it has to be pointed out that the, ahem, Number 2s are still doing the backstroke around my laundry room floor.
Now, this is really awful, but I truly want to go up to Justin and gently explain that those little swimmers aren’t mine. I don’t know whose they are – maybe a neighbour’s? a sewer rat’s? – but they aren’t mine.
After much discussion about how we were going to solve this stinky situation, Justin The Plumber recommends he doesn’t clean our main line. He’d pushed through a blockage that was causing the problem but he says our pipe is too fragile and too deformed to be cleaned and the whole thing could crumble – which would cause more of a backup. His advice is to get the whole pipe, tree roots and all, dug out and replaced.
Then Justin The Plumber says something I’ll never forget: “I hate to give good people bad news, but these things can run as high as $8,000, $10,000.”
I think back to my laundry room floor.
Maybe I’ll take a gamble. I did, after all, get hitched in Vegas last year.
“How long will our pipe last if we don’t fix it?” I ask.
Justin The Plumber says our pipe may last a few months.
Or, our very next flush could be our last.
So, what he was saying is: It’s a crapshoot.

[This column appeared today in the Ticket, the magazine I edit that appears every Saturday inside the Kingston Whig-Standard, my day job. Starting this week, I'll post my Whig column here regularly.]

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