Why am I wearing Band-Aids on my teeth?

We'd all probably look a lot more sensible if clothing stores were run by two year olds. Two year olds say it like it is. I love going into shops and seeing girls and women (and boys and men) trying on ridiculous clothes (too tight, too small, too young, too skanky) and having the salesperson squawk "Oh my god! That's so, like, fabulous! We also have it in red."
You want to gently pull the customer aside and say: "Ah, no. You look like a pregnant elephant in a curtain." (And I can say that because I, too, have looked like pregnant elephant in a curtain.)
Only once in my entire existence has a salesperson told me I looked ludicrous. It was at Agent 99 downtown and I tried on something to slinky and it showed every lump, bump and chunk. I came out of the changeroom and a lovely girl said, "Huh. That doesn't work, does it?" It was a breath of fresh air.
Yesterday, I was prepping for my first day back at work this Thursday. For three months, I have been laid off, so I spent the better part of three months with unstyled hair and no makeup. And, I've lived in elastic-waist track pants. That look was fine for buying diapers at Wal-Mart, but it doesn't exactly say: "I'm a hot radio momma."
And, so, it's back to Sarah Crosbie, circa pre-Dec.16, 2008 - the Sarah who gave a damn.
I'm drinking buckets of water, exercising, pulling my jeans and dress pants out of hibernation and doing other girly things.
My son looked at me yesterday. He was staring at my teeth.
"Mommy? Did you hurt your teeth?"
I couldn't figure out why he thought my teeth were hurt - unless, that is, I'd chipped one of them a couple of days before my new job?!
"Mommy! Why are you wearing Band-Aids on your teeth?!"
That's right. An hour earlier I'd put whitestrips on my teeth so I have a nice, pearly white smile. I'd forgotten about them...
Alone, in the bathroom, it makes so much sense to put strips of jellied bleach on my teeth.
But here, with my son staring at my teeth, I did feel a little strange having Band-Aids on my teeth.
The things we do for beauty.
When you take a step back, it can all seem a little silly.
Still, in two days, I have to say so long to my elastic-waist pants.
Diapers also have elastic-waists ...so enough of that.


And here is the rest of it.

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Two-faced Sarah Crosbie (Pretty Ugly)

Before I had a baby, I'd always look at the pictures of celebrities in the fashion and gossip magazines who looked perfecto just a few weeks after having their babies. Their stomachs would be flat, their skin perfect, their hair flowy and gorgeous and their clothes ripped from the runways.
"It's so easy!" I thought to myself.
Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha. (That's me laughing at myself right now).
Monday to Friday, I do it up. I wear clean (sometimes even ironed) clothes. I style my hair and put on lipstick and mascara. (I dropped eyeliner earlier this year, since I think it saves me a couple of minutes each morning, which I can use to eat cereal or watching Toopy and Binoo.) But on weekends? Oooo, I'm ugly. Or "f-ugly" as the kids would say. No makeup. I don't do my hair and I'm always in runners. But some mornings, it's worse than ugly. Some mornings like in the pic above left, I'm that "Fat Celebrities Without Makeup, Caught on the Beach With Blubber and Celulite Hanging Every Which Way" mother. See this pic you young, unmarried, childless girls? This is what motherhood looks like. It's not pretty, but it's the truth.
However, please see what a little makeup, hair putty and sleep can do for you (right). I'm a freakin' supermodel. I'm just like that Evolution Dove commercial, really. Pretty on the inside, and on the outside? It depends – on the day, on the mood, whether or not I just happen to be posing for my wedding photos.
But know this mothers: We all have our good days and bad days.
I guess what I'm saying is, when you feel ugly? Think of me.
We all have our moments. Good and bad.

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