Damn you, computer spill-checker!!!!!

Being a lover of words and stories, it always amuses me how one wrong word can ruin a good thing. (Yes, you don't need to send me a note saying I've made mistakes, too. Every reporter/editor/blogger has made boo-boos. It's one of the reasons people love blogging. Blogs don't have to be as perfect as newspaper pieces. My biggest newspaper mistake (and there weren't that many, I'll have you know) was getting the date of Pearl Harbor wrong in a story years ago. Never believe what you read on the Internet!) Check out this ad for a Muskoka cottage that was in The Toronto Star. The read is thrilling, simply because this is a house fit for a celebrity. The idea of living in such a mansion is amazing – and then – boom. You get to the end of the story, and it's a hard slap across the face. Nothing is ever as good as it seems ...
(Try to survive the exclamation points! There are a billion of them!!)

"This Muskoka Cottage is what makes the good life great! Finally, a cottage as distinguished as you! For the past several decades, Muskoka design has been as predictable as the trade winds, vaulted ceiling & hardwood! This "Lake Joe" cottage is an appreciation for "Signature Touches" that unlock & conquer style & design! The interior of both the boathouse cabana & main were custom designed. In total the cottage can accommodate 16 comfortably with 5.5 baths over 6,000 sq. ft. of liv. space! Have you ever: Spent a quarter of a million on an outdoor hot tub? Imported Caribbean sand for a volley ball court? Installed a Blackhawk Security System? Placed an Infinity Waterfall in the outdoor area? Heard such a sound system that is thrilling & unforgettable musical experience thru out the site? Have a 24 hr. lighting and gardener on hand from Advanced Mechanical Installs? If dreams come true, this is it! Completely detailed and furnished!! Take the key & viola!"

*And, yes, I actually just spent a quarter of a million on an outdoor hot tub on Tuesday. Voila!

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When Were The Vikings On Mars?

It's amazing how you can take teenagers to a cottage and, all of a sudden, they become totally different people.
They don't miss their laptops. They can, surprise, surprise, live for a few days without having to go on Facebook for all the scandalous news: What is Jenny doing after work? What show is John watching from 8 to 9 p.m. They can play just five games of Guitar Hero a day.
But even more surprising is that they will, happily, play games: Monopoly, Catch Phrase, Guess Who?, euchre, uno, Clue.
Last summer, the kids discovered a dusty old purple box in our game chest called Balderdash. I remember my parents playing it when I was kid and I remember I didn't really understand it. It was an "adult game."
Last summer, the kids dragged it out of the chest and I warned them I didn't know much about it but I was sure it wasn't going to be much fun.
Wrong.
It's fun because it is an adult game. We laughed so hard we cried.
And we laughed even harder this year.
Balderdash is a language bluffing game. One player looks at a really hard word, one that you've never seen, much less pronounced in your life.
Think of words (these are fakies) such as: beamershed or sulkeynutsyed or fortmensyyakah. The game gives you the real definition of the word and all the other players must come up with a definition. If a player believes your fake definition is the real definition you get a point. (Just to point out here: I, Sarah Crosbie, won the Balderdash game, against my much older and more successful fiance. He may be a language genius and a National Newspaper Award winner, but I beat him in Balderdash. By a lot. A landslide. Ha!) Um, anyway.
So, we're all playing and let's say the word is beamershed because I honestly can't remember the real, impossible word.
Definition No. 1: A Welsh dance performed mainly on the heels
No. 2: A small African rodent
No. 3: A beach changehouse
No. 4: A piece of a window wiper
No. 5: A mineral discovered on Mars by the Viking Probe.
I knew it wasn't definition No. 1 because that was mine.
And I was sure it wasn't No. 5 because when the question was read, I heard: "A mineral discovered on Mars by the Vikings." I thought one of the kids had made it up and they were being silly.
When all was said and done and the round was over, the Fiance admitted that the Mars definition was his faux definition.
"When were the Vikings on Mars?" I asked, at which point he burst out laughing, so hard he sounded like a girl high on High School Musical 2. He didn't understand that I was being sarcastic - not stupid.
"What? The Vikings got in their ships, with their furry pointed hats, and rowed themselves to space?" he howled.
"Did the Vikings invent space travel?" he howled even more.
"One small step for Vikings, one giant for Viking kind."
This was going too far.
I swear I thought the clue was: "A mineral discovered on Mars by Vikings" not "A mineral discovered on Mars by the Viking Probe."
Like I said, the game isn't funny.
At least when people are laughing at you, not with you.
Just as a reminder though, I won the game.
Ahoy mateys!

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Medusa and Me

I'm horribly afraid of snakes. They could give me a heart attack.
My fear is my father's fault. One day, when I was just a little innocent girl, I was in our old stationwagon with my dad at the cottage going to get wood for the fire.
We came to a large woodpile and started throwing logs into the back of the car.
I remember specifically asking: "Daddy, is there any way there could be snakes in these logs?"
"No," he said.
"Of course not."
"Don't be silly."
As we began the drive home, I felt something flutter on my leg. I swatted it away, thinking it was a mosquito. Again, I felt something tickling me. Again, I batted it away. When I felt it a third time though, I took a look.
There was a snake slithering around my feet and trying to climb my leg.
I screamed, my dad almost drove off the road into the lake, and I got out of the car and walked the rest of the way home.
Traumatic, I tell you.
Last week, I was powerwalking with a group of friends. I was heading toward our trainer when she yelled at me to stop. I thought I was just going too speedy. No.
In front of me were four massive charcoal grey snakes. No, they were not pussy garter snakes. These were the thickness of Twinkies and easily the length of a man's belt. The other women saw these devil creatures to verify this. I'm not exaggerating.
When we had to get on the ground later that session to do pushups and situps, I swear I almost fainted. I thought they were going to slither over my neck and get me.
Later that night, I went to a convenience store to buy a lottery ticket so I could win me $30 million. I was standing in line waiting for my turn when I felt like someone was standing too close to me.
I turned around to see just how close this shopper was. He looked normal enough for a young guy. He had dreadlocks, a sleeveless T, Doc Martens and a cute girl on his arm.
But wait - did I mention he had a freakin' snake around his neck?
True story - there was a man in a Kingston convenience store with a pet snake around his neck right behind me and he was sticking his little forked tongue out at me. The snake, not the man.
I almost died. And then I probably would have won the $30 million and not been able to collect it, seeing as I'd be dead.
My mother is ultra superstitious so we all believe things come in threes.
That meant I had another snake sighting to go.
The next day I checked out our front lawn before I got in the car.
Maybe I even checked the toilet to see if a snake was coming up out of our plumbing.
Maybe I even looked under my carseat just to make sure.
But I did see it.
Later that day, in front of me at a red light was a black Impala - and around its licence plate were metallic cobras.
I don't want to know what all these snakes mean. I asked my reverend friend and she didn't think God was out to get me so I'm not too panicked.
The morale of the story is always buy fake firewood.
Just don't get it at your local convenience store.





And here is the rest of it.

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